Fix you...

 

I am not here to monetize this thing, not that I would like to have some FU money so I if I want I could walk away from job... No, it is just that the point of writing for me has never been about making money or fame or whatever it is. The point of writing has always been about connecting with my most authentic self, even when that most authentic self was down in the dumps and super depressed and angry. It is ok,  it was still me and I seriously love her (me) no matter what.
When I look back at my life, I am in awe of myself. How can someone who has gone through so much trauma and  abuse by her own family, the people who were supposed to be there for her and protect her. Still find it in herself to pull herself by bootstrap and get up and go one with her life and build this amazing life that I am living right now? How did I know that I deserve all this and then some more, where and when was i able to tap into all this self love and self esteem. People do not understand, but I had suicidal ideations for a long time and I almost took my own life once, and somehow the last minute when I stared at the face of the death stopped myself. I guess deep down I was not going to give my mother the satisfaction of ruining my life, something that she relentlessly tried to do .

  She escape goated me from a young age, harrased and abused me and pushed my older sister and brother to cooperate with her. And made my father and younger sister idealy sit by and only watch her. She brain washed everyone to believe that I was the problem and she was the victim. 

  Oh how many times I ran into my room crying and writing and in my writing begged her to stop my abuse. She just wouldn't let up, she hated me with a passion, because i reminded her of the parts of her that she abandoned. The tender parts of herself, the needy and compassionate parts of herself. She wanted everyone around her devoid of emotions, empty and numb and she could not get through to me. I resisted her, I stood up to her, I saw through her bullshit, I spoke up about the abuse. First time at the age of 4 I stood up to her nephews , my sexual abusers, and told on them and from then on she made it her mission to destroy me. She did everything within her power to sabotage every piece of success and joy that came to my life.  She failed at some and succeed at the others, but eventually i found my way out and one last time stood up to her and walked away. She still consider herself a victim, this time her childhood traumas.

  Honestly i do not care anymore, for to me she is just an emotionally immature child, who has lost her escape goat so she cant even project her anger and guilt at her. And now she is lost, and even her being a victim of misunderstanding by her own daughter campaign if falling flat. It is a scary prospect for her, for she has to live with herself for the rest of her living life and she has no idea how to do it. 

   And the question remains, how did i do it all? How did I know that I deserve more and I deserve better? who taught me that? who guided me? 

I guess we will never know the answer, but if past is any indication, I will pull through this rough patch that I am in right now, just fine and I will be guided home once again...