Coffee time

I am in a bizarre stage of my life , it seems pretty lonely . But somehow I don’t mind it much . Friends are slipping through my fingers and my social life is close to zero . I have basically cut myself off of my family too , almost all of them . 

 Today I wrote down everything of everyone that I wanted to get rid of in my life , and set in on fire in my backyard . It felt so good, as if I had detoxed my body and released all the toxins . I used to do it  during the full moon , but this time we are closer to a new moon and a solar eclipse . It was last week …

It’s a weird life stage, I spend a lot of time alone . But I have been getting out too , trying new things. 

I even went back to the movie theater after 7 years. I have become such a practical adult that I have lost all the sense of whimsy and wonder in my life.

  It’s a weird stage , I really don’t know where I am going next . And lately I have realized that all that I am concerned about is having a good time in the now moment. 

I try to not buy anything unless I truly need it. 

I think a lot about all the abuse that I suffered in the hand of my family and it’s pretty triggering . But it seems like I am onto something. All the emotions that have been stuck in my body are coming out. 

I am not that angry at my mother anymore, it’s more like indifference . She is an emotionally immature human being, probably stuck at the age of 4 . Mentally sick and not willing to grow , forever the perfect mother and human being and forever tge victim . I barely talk to her , and even when I do I make it clear that I am not all that enthusiastic. 

  She still tries to gossip and triangulate , but I just don’t pay attention . I plan to stop having her in my life after my father dies , that is if dies first. If he doesn’t , then I guess it’s easier . 

 I did update my linked in profile too , after probably 8 years. I almost clicked the button that says I am open to new job offers , but then I stopped .The problem isn’t exactly my current job , heck I want the pension and I only have like 8 and 1/2 years to go . It’s my misery at this place , I don’t really care much for my colleagues and tge job has become uninspiring . 

I have decided to stay and focus on my personal life outside the work . Take as much time off as I need to and want to and just enjoy the life and see what else is there out in the world for me . I guess I want to discover myself beyond my education / career / job/ responsibilities. 

  I remember being so lonely and going to downtown San Jose to movies , the camera 1 cinema the independent movies … 2000s were the bomb . It were 7 lonely years with constant abuse and trauma bonding inflicted upon me by my mother and perpetuated by my brother and sisters and dad was nowhere to be found . And it was always me who made out to be the problem , I donno if I ever need to forgive my mother who to this day see nothing wrong with her actions . 

My body is full of triggers and it has kept score 

 My family of origin was nothing but an abusive cult, and i was the scapegoated child who got blamed for everything and still gets the blame. Even after walking away from them physically and  literally cutting out all my ties. I was physically, mentally, psychologically and even sexually abused and nobody even bat and eye and everybody joined in or stayed silent while they went about their lives telling me to be grateful for everything that I had.

 I was always told that I was in the wrong and they were the truth tellers. The worse abuser was my mother and still pretends that she is the victim in all of this. The next in line is my older sister and my brother has always been a willing participant. He had so much guilt that he accused me of being a horrible person and swore me off from his life not ever wanting to do anything with me. It is obvious, he just cant handle his own truth and does not want to admit how abusive he has been to me all along only to appease our mother and older sister. 

  Our father and younger sister just passively watched and at times tried to put out the fire while they exactly knew what has happened and now want me to forget and move on. The joke is on them , I have moved on completely and the only way for me to heal is to move out of the toxic space. 

 In a way they are all part of a system a very toxic one, and they will all stay there until it all implodes because the scapegoat is gone and there is nobody to project their anger, guilt and shame upon. And now they have to deal with their own demons and that is too much for them to handle. 

  What I am left with is hyper vigilance, the anger , the disorganized attachment the complex PTSD , the abandonment issue, and the aloofness. It is a big mountain to climb and an uphill battle to fight, but it is either that or going back to the toxicity and drama and being pushed to either an early death by "natural causes," like my poor uncle or aunt or suicide like my beloved friend who I still ache and hurt by his departure, even though I feel his loving presence and protection in my daily life. It is as if I am fighting this battle for all those people before me who succumbed to death, because their soul just could not handle all this pain and trauma. I have come this far and I am not going to look back or take a step backward, it is a matter of life and death for me and I am going to fight for my life to my last breath. 

 Darkness will end, even the longest night of the year will finally succumbed to daylight as we learn in the winter solstice.  Know that you are loved beyond measure and you are always protected from the force of evil. Your purpose of life is to live your life to the fullest, and your best days are ahead of you. 

Your mother and the rest of the family will eventually implode and pay a price for all the evil that they have done to you . The price was to lose you to daylight , they can not handle it for it will make them blind and will make their hearts bleed. They are the agents of darkness and when they no longer can serve their master, they will be abandoned and let go and be on their own. And that will be the death of them, and let me tell you death is just the beginning of their troubles, for they have to repent their sins from here to the eternity.  

There is no need for revenge since living in your own truth and your best life is the revenge .  Remember anytime you succeeded in life how your success knocked the wind out of your mother. She was literally throwing up in the bathroom, suffering from migraine headache when you bought your own home.  Your sister kept telling you how she could not do it by herself and you are just different. 

 Remember that time in the vacation when you showed up all fit and trim and happy by yourself, from another stint in language immersion your sister got so angry at you that tried to ostracize you and pushed you to the point of getting angry and the blamed you for all that she had done. 

 They are all gone from your life and have to deal with their own miserable lives,,, oh sweet smell of success...  All that you have been through in life, and you are still standing and thriving...

It was you all along

He finally said it last night , after all this time .. I literally begged him to say it , but he never  seemed to be able to do it . And he said it over and over last night . Right when I let it go , when I geniunely did not care anymore . 

And he said : That was the lesson , the moment that you let it go and don’t care it all comes to you. 

This morning I was grumpy and dreaded coming to work . All he said was : what can I do for you ? And it felt so good

I told him , I want this to be real and my real life outside of here becomes unreal . I want a change of realities … 

Letting it all go…

Part of me knows that it’s finally time to let him go . But then maybe there is that part of me that wants to hold on to something that brings me joy in life , something that puts the smile on my face , something that finally makes me feel safe and secure..

Last night he gave a speech , as if we were having a big white wedding . Something that he wants , to show me off to the world . Unlike me who wants a very small affair in the middle of nowhere with just the two of us . 

 I want to hold on to him , at least for now . In the midst of all these unhappiness and chaos , and disappointment this is one thing that makes me feel good about myself and my life …

 The love that I have for him,  it’s so pure and unconditional. Even though he intentionally hurt me last year around this time and I left him and never really took him back …

It all sounds confusing maybe because it is .. 

 But he was the first person who came to my life and never wanted anything from me . He just wanted me to be happy , and thrive . I fell for him head over hills , because it was the first time that I saw love in action . 

 And he kept pushing me away and then chasing after me … or maybe it was me , not being able to let go ..

Who knows 

Down town Walnut Creek random list

1- I am just sitting here , with nothing to do and nowhere specific to go . For the next two days I have no plans to keep myself occupied and it’s freaking scary 

2- I had hot dog wrapped pretzel and it wasn’t all that bad 

3- I am stuck in between two worlds , it’s surreal 

4- i like to go out more , i even picked an outfit for an imaginary party 

5- The truth is that I am not as sad and lonely as I used to be 

6- i passed by a cute guy , working on his laptop . My lord he was so young

7- I am not dealing well with this  middle age thing , but this shall pass too 

8- I am in a weird space, I am just slowing down . Probably I am over this reality and would like to change it 

9- I am done with my family of origin and my colleagues , a really weird space to be 

10- that’s a wrap 

  I had a dream last night, I was in my hometown talking to an old neighbor of ours. Then I got in a car and he was in the car sitting in the front. At first we weren't paying much attention to each other, but somehow we started noticing each other and it was obvious that we were together. At one point we got out of the car and went to an appointment to look for a rental house. We went to couple of them and they were all unreasonable for us. Too expensive, ridiculous plan, bad location, things were just not working out for us. 

 We then got in the back of a cab, it was more of collective , something like an uber pool. He sat next to the window looking outside and I sat next to him holding him and kissing him. We were both looking outside and he told me he should have shaved, I told him it was fine. I then asked him if he thinks we can get a house? And he responded that yes we will, but did not sound so sure. I looked outside and then kissed him again and whispered to him : We can always go back , I meant to California.  He did not respond to me and then the dream ended. 

 Last night I told him that I knew that the past year we both were not happy in our relationship. That we have been holding on to the memories of the past, hoping for things to get better. And he did not say much, just the usual of he is going to hang around and I could always acknowledge his existence when it is convenient for me. Something that has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time. I told him that the thing with our relationship is just the logistics. We have this strong connection with each other and this never dying love, sometimes I feel like we are one person. But the problem is that we live in different planes of existence.  And now I want more, he made me want more, I want the whole thing. The relationship, the intimacy, the support, the physical presence, the home that we build together. I want to come home to someone, I want to spend my weekends exploring the backroads of Bay area with the person. I want to take him withe me as my date to the places that I get invited to. I want to build and continue traditions with him, I even want to have a family with him. I want to make him laugh, I want to make him his favorite meal , and I want to be his loyal wife. He always tells me that I have always been enough for him and have done more than I could imagine. That I have brought him back from the land of the dead, that I have seen him and heard him and stuck by him. But I still want more..

  I always yearned for him to come to my dreams and now he comes to them every so often and every time he becomes more real than the last time and knowing that this is as close that I can get to him physically is bitter sweet. 

 He always wanted me to open my heart and my hear is now wide open, and there is no stopping me..

  Last night his un-shaved stubble was orange-red, in real life he was an olive skinned guy with dark hair.But the red hair genes runs in their family, like many other secrets that they try to sweep under the rug and it always backfires. 

 In my dream he did seem set on staying put back home and not returning to California and I knew that we would need to return, or at least I needed to return. When I left our home town, I was done there was nothing for me there. But his story was different, he was sent away at a young age and had so much unfinished business, his spirit was broken into pieces in California and it always seemed like he was running away from it always ending back in our hometown. It seemed like our physical being was always running in opposite directions.  But our souls found a home in each other's embrace and was always drawn to each other....

  We shall wait and see who will give in at the end and follows the other person, or maybe we each pick our own path in life and follow our own calling.... Who knows?

 I think I am going to sitting in random cafes in the most random places, and writing a random list a tradition. I believe every random cafe in a random place in the world, deserves it's own very random list.

A list made in placerville ,ca

1- A day in Sacramento area proved to be as unproductive as it could get 

2-Joan Didion - “Anybody who talks about California hedonism has never spent a Christmas in Sacramento.” —Joan Didion (1979)

3- For a state capitol this is a pretty trashy place , I mean in general it is the arm pit of Nor Cal, but you would have thought

4- I am sitting in downtown placerville minding my own business and a homeless guy is talking to himself out loud and cursing everyone… we are all one coping mechanism away from being him 

5-  freaking flies don’t let go of me

6- I am so used to prosperity of Bay Area that it never occurs to me how poverty stricken life can be outside my bubble .

7- The homeless guy is still cursing himself and moving around . 

8-Trash in trash out ..

9- I honestly don’t like to be around homeless people 

10- I was going to write a very long post about cPTSD and how my privileged ass suffers from it and seeing all this poor people stopped me 

11- As much as I complain , I am glad that I got out 

12- I used to be so many things not all good and all that is left to lose is my aggression . And for that I need to learn to feel safe in my own skin. Not an easy feat 

13- I have started to dig blogging 

14- I like mobile blogging 

15- When you are stuck that means you are not aligned with your soul 

16- Boy this mobile blogger interface sucks big time . But I wanna pretend that I am poor and this is all that I can afford 

17-  -Statisticalky number of suicide is highest amongst married women and single man . So by not marrying you I will guarantee both of us a long life .

- how so ?

- Well I won’t be a married women , but you won’t be a single man neither. 

18- 

Reactive abuse

   This very phrase explains most of my anger issues. Nothing I ever did was right, I could never get it right with my mother and subsequently my siblings. I was the scapegaoted child, I had to be picked on constantly and nobody ever protected me from any sort of abuse. I was sexually abused by my cousins ( my mother's nephews) at the age of four and being the courageous person that I was I told my aunt. She told my mother, not the gory details but enough and my mother of course never did anything about it. The joke is on her, because turned out years later that at the same time my older sister, her golden child was also being abused by them and she told her nothing. If my mother stopped them and cut them out of our lives her favorite child would have been spared too.  

Over the years my mother was so mad at me, for being the truth teller and expose the secret and lies of her family of psychopaths that she abused me at every turn and for every reason.  She also trained my other siblings to either join the abuse or sit by idly and do nothing, because it was normalized. The amount of hatred that she carried in her heart for me is unbelievable. And all those years I was so trauma bonded to her that I turn into a codependent and all I wanted to do was to please my family so they finally love and accept me, what a joke.  

 All the abuse turned me into a angry and loud human being who could not trust anybody. After her abuses she usually had couple of nice days and then she was back to her usual old self.  And sometimes when i got angry and loud and reacted she would act like a victim and showed off my anger to the world as the proof that I was crazy, it was called reactive abuse. Ladies and gentlemen this is what a Narcissist looks like, a covert one. 

 Let me tell you what a Narcissist does to you, they still everything that is beautiful in your life. They take away your sense of security, your trust in others, your sense of self, your self- esteem. They make you have suicidal ideation.  And they turn you into this angry person who has no control over their emotions. 

  I am now mainly low contact with her, and she still goes around runs a smear campaign pretending that I am an ungrateful little bitch who is biting the hands that fed her. And guess what I just do not care anymore, I do not even bother to show her my anger. When I see her, I barely acknowledge her existence.  She is just a human being who will soon disappear from my life, when the time is right I will completely vanish from her radar.  For living your best life is truly the biggest revenge that you can get from the Narcissitic parent. 

 Imagine a person who has spent all your life, running a campaign against you. To bring you down to your knees, to steal the light from you, to make you doubt yourself and all your abilites. To take away your sense of self, and to make you doubt yourself. A person who has made you not to trust anybody, and not be able to form any secure attachments in your life. A person who has made you an angry person, full of rage. A person who suffers from depression and anxiety and is full of fear. 

 And then imagine, you rebelling against all this toxicity and drama and following your intuittion knowing that you  deseverve better, in fact you deserve the best. Imagine coming to your senses one day and realizing that all along you were on the side of the truth and the Narcisiiist was the one in the wrong. 

   Imagine finally standing in your power and take it back from the one person who betrayed you all your life, the very person who was supposed to love you and protect you. Imagine beating all the odds and not only survive, but thrive in life. 

 Imagine finally resolving your anger issues, finally honoring and understanding your anger and set it free and starting to live a joyful life. Imagine being able to form secure attachment with loving and kind people.  Imagine being full of trust and having healthy boundaries in place with great discernment.

Imagine looking in the mirror everyday and smile and tell yourself : I really love you, because you are simply amazing.  Imagine opening your heart to the world and offering up your beautiful smile to the people and animals and plants every second of every day. 

  Imagine realizing that you are worthy because you are alive and breathing.  Imagine being self aware and being able to reflect on your own behavior. Imagine loving yourself despite your flaws, imagine failing miserably at times. but then getting up dusting yourself and go on with a smile and a forgiving heart. Imagine being able to accept yourself for exactly who you are, while always striving to become a better version of yourself.  After all this why would you even want revenge on your narcissistic parent ? I know that at times you want her to feel the same pain that she inflicted upon you all these years, you want some accountability for all the beautiful things in life that you were robbed of. But do you even have time to plot all of that? Do you even want to spend another minute of your life with her? Or you just want to move on and live the amazing life that awaits you?  The best revenge is to leave her behind amongst her delusions with her golden children who complied with her and joined the abuse, for they all deserve each other.   You are now the creator of the life that you deserve, you are powerful, you are beautiful and they all miserably failed. The best revenge is to leave them all continue with their miserable existence while you grow more fabulous by the second.  Let them rot in their own man made hell, for they have brought it on themselves.  You on the other go on and create your own version of heaven on earth.  For we all reap what we sow. 

  I am here Mother, still standing and thriving. I still have my moments, I still have hours when I really get tired and do not want to go on. But then I have grown strong enough and kind enough to know that I deserve better and rebound rather quickly.  I still have moments when I want to call you and give you a piece of my mind, but then i realize it is a waste of time for you are emotionally dead and delusional. And honestly you are just not worth my time anymore, my time is too precious to be wasted on the likes of you. 

  I wish you healing, I know it is a huge feat and someone like you sees nothing wrong with themselves to ever want to change. The blame is always on someone else or some external circumstance, because according to you , you were always the perfect one.  

I am glad that I was told from a young age that I am imperfect and in the wrong unlike your other children, the silver lining was that it freed me to go and search to see what is wrong with me and how can i improve.  Turned out there is not much that is wrong with me, but there is always room to improve and there is always an opportunity to better myself so I can live a better life.  

   You did your best and it was awful and now your mask is falling off too, but who is keeping track. 

 

Where it is supposed to be …

So today I had Lunch with an old friend , in a Greek restaurant who had Turkish owners . The food was in a word exactly what it supposed to be and then some more . Absolute perfection is how I can describe the , Muhammarra , chicken suvlaki and Tiziki . Honestly I didn’t have such an amazing food in Greece . Maybe because it was really Turkish food , cooked with the same love and skill that only a middle eastern mother can have . Especially the chicken souvlaki oh, it tasted exactly like the chicken Kabbabs of my childhood growing up in Iran. It was a pleasant surprise , going to a restaurant post Pandemic where the food is not meh or mediocre . You just knew that middle eastern mom is in the kitchen and is taking having guests very seriously and is cooking up a storm of deliciousness . 

 And then I watched this movie called Blue jay and it was a real movie . A Duplass brothers movie , you know exactly the type of movies that I like . With a real story , real characters, slow paced . I think I am starting to become a duplass brothers fan . 

 In one word , nothing was of whack today . 

 Because on post pandemic world , restaurants just have become lazy and Hollywood just cranks our super hero movie . 

I felt something today , I felt alive . I haven’t felt like that in a while . Especially at my job , it seems like my reality just doesn’t do it for me . 

I want to be like that chef in the Greek restaurant, cook up a storm of deliciousness . Or be like duplass brothers , tell a story . Make a real movie , and it seems like everyone around me is numb while I keep insisting on feeling . 

I want a lot of things from life and I won’t stop at nothing until I have all that I want and deserve . 

Random list

1- I have been going through a bought of anxiety , it’s a strange feeling 

2- Old friends are dropping like flies , it seems like I have no control on my social life anymore 

3- I am not in control of what is happening at work anymore neither, I used to have so much sway and power and now I am just a has been

4- I keep watching Gilmore Girls , interestingly I watch it when I feel like good energy is coming to my life

5- couple of things broke in my house today , I kinda panicked and then realized breakable things always break. 

6- i am just going to submit to my boss , so he grows bored and move on to other things 

7- If i submit to him , it’s even sadder to him . Because that means I have gone from not taking him seriously to indifference .. like sure you are powerful I got it , I am moving on 

8- I need to write more

9- I need more of myself

10-  future seems so uncertain and out of my control

11- i have to trust the unknown and my ability to meet my future with open arms 

12- i just don’t want to put up a fight where I am anymore , I have better things waiting for me in the future

13- i gotta let a lot of things go …

14- what goes around, comes around 

15- i am a darn good list maker 

16- i need to monetize my lists 

17- i really am uncomfortable with the feeling of anxiety and grief and all the negative emotions that were part of my everyday life 

18- i gotta write more

19- i want a boyfriend with whom I can have sex in the car 

20- i want a boyfriend who genuinely loves me and I genuinely love him and we have a secure healthy relationship  with each other . The kind that makes you feel safe and secure and makes you laugh, and makes you want to stay and have a family with 

21- it will all work at the end , it always does , tomorrow is just another day 

22- life is good, it has always been good and it will continue to Rock 

23- life happens 

24- my abandonment issues are rearing their ugly heads , and I integrate them back to myself lovingly 

25- how things have changed and yet have stayed the same 

 Some days I just do not feel like writing,... end of the story

A scene from a play

- You know if I come back to you I will end up leaving you again 

- I always hope this time will be different 

- Why ? 

- Because I love you and I want you back 

- Oh god 

- What ? 

-  It’s just .. 

- What ? 

- If I come back I have to deal with everything you know , your friends , your family all that 

- What’s wrong with them ? 

- Nothing , it’s just that they never really seemed to accept me as one of their own . I just put up with them because of you 

- Well there might have been an initial resistance 

- It never went away . Honestly being away from them for a while has been such a relief 

- They have to accept and respect my choices 

- Did you ever felt excluded by my friends or even family 

- No for the most part they were pretty receptive 

- That’s the thing , with your people I don’t really think the problem was me

- what ? 

- Look , my friends they accepted you becayse they love me and they trust my choices and they want me to be happy , but yours …

- I  am not following 

- It seems like they are always worried about you and your personal choices in life, and maybe they have point 

- What do you mean ? 

- you can be impulsive and sometimes it doesn’t seem that you really love yourself . So maybe they are just being protective of you and maybe they were right 

- About what ?

- That you really jumped into the relationship with me . Everything happened so fast . I mean maybe I am not right for you 

- Is that how you feel ?

- I question our relationship a lot , when I look back 

- you do ? 

- Yeah , I just think I was too in love with you . I didn’t notice certain things from the get go 

- like what things ? 

- It doesn’t matter 

- I want to know 

- it’s just that we are very different , our approaches to life . You like to go big and I am just a very normal person , honestly I just sometimes I just like to hide out . 

- What else ? 

- when we met , I just wanted to be with you and settle down with you . But you seemed to have so many unfinished businesses and I ignored them all. 

- oh god , is that the Ex business

- No that one came up later and really blindsided me

- it blindsided me too , the way that I said it , was so stupid . 

- it’s ok , I am glad you said it . For once you were actually vulnerable. 

- it cost me our relationship

- It wast going to last anyways

- you know how you said your friends approved of me . What would they say when they hear we are through ? 

- they respect me and my choices , they trust that I have made the best decision for my life . They will probably miss you , but they understand . 

- Believe it or not my people ask about you

-  They probably want to make sure that I don’t come back 

- You don’t think they want me to be happy ? 

- No of course , at least some of them . But maybe they were right , in the long run we were not going to make each other happy . 

-  She meant nothing to me , I never wanted to go back to her 

- It is none of my business 

- I was just being insecure and impulsive 

- When you find the right person you won’t be so insecure and impulsive around them 

- Tell me how you feel

- You intentionally hurt me . I just think when you really love someone you can’t bring yourself to hurt them . I could have never done that to you. 

- Immaturity makes you do stupid shit

- Then you need time to grow up 

- I am trying

- I know , i just can’t . I really think we are both holding on to a dead corpse , it is a really beautiful corpse , but it’s dead nonetheless . We gotta let it go 

- If you never let it go 

- You don’t know what’s your worth …

  Yet another random list

1- If I was the trouble child, the one who was the root cause of all the problems and the one who made the family looked back. Then why is it, now that I have distanced myself from the family and have gone mainly no contact they are desperate to lure me back in? 

2-  Trauma bond was the name of the relationship that I had with my mother all my life 

3- I have disorganized attachment, which I am working on its healing 

4- I can be pretty unpredictable in relationships if my safety is at risk 

5- Is there ever and absolution for my parents and my entire family for what they did to me?

6- A lot of my traveling had to do with me running away from pain, from my family of origin and have a little bit of alone time all to myself

7- I cried for help all my life and nobody, absolutely  nobody listened to me or extended me a hand 

8-

“Alone “

BY EDGAR ALLAN POE

From childhood’s hour I have not been 

As others were—I have not seen 

As others saw—I could not bring 

My passions from a common spring— 

From the same source I have not taken 

My sorrow—I could not awaken 

My heart to joy at the same tone— 

And all I lov’d—

I

 lov’d alone— 

Then

—in my childhood—in the dawn 

Of a most stormy life—was drawn 

From ev’ry depth of good and ill 

The mystery which binds me still— 

From the torrent, or the fountain— 

From the red cliff of the mountain— 

From the sun that ’round me roll’d 

In its autumn tint of gold— 

From the lightning in the sky 

As it pass’d me flying by— 

From the thunder, and the storm— 

And the cloud that took the form 

(When the rest of Heaven was blue) 

Of a demon in my view—

Stuck in reverse

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above, or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try, you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face, and I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face, and I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Fix you...

 

I am not here to monetize this thing, not that I would like to have some FU money so I if I want I could walk away from job... No, it is just that the point of writing for me has never been about making money or fame or whatever it is. The point of writing has always been about connecting with my most authentic self, even when that most authentic self was down in the dumps and super depressed and angry. It is ok,  it was still me and I seriously love her (me) no matter what.
When I look back at my life, I am in awe of myself. How can someone who has gone through so much trauma and  abuse by her own family, the people who were supposed to be there for her and protect her. Still find it in herself to pull herself by bootstrap and get up and go one with her life and build this amazing life that I am living right now? How did I know that I deserve all this and then some more, where and when was i able to tap into all this self love and self esteem. People do not understand, but I had suicidal ideations for a long time and I almost took my own life once, and somehow the last minute when I stared at the face of the death stopped myself. I guess deep down I was not going to give my mother the satisfaction of ruining my life, something that she relentlessly tried to do .

  She escape goated me from a young age, harrased and abused me and pushed my older sister and brother to cooperate with her. And made my father and younger sister idealy sit by and only watch her. She brain washed everyone to believe that I was the problem and she was the victim. 

  Oh how many times I ran into my room crying and writing and in my writing begged her to stop my abuse. She just wouldn't let up, she hated me with a passion, because i reminded her of the parts of her that she abandoned. The tender parts of herself, the needy and compassionate parts of herself. She wanted everyone around her devoid of emotions, empty and numb and she could not get through to me. I resisted her, I stood up to her, I saw through her bullshit, I spoke up about the abuse. First time at the age of 4 I stood up to her nephews , my sexual abusers, and told on them and from then on she made it her mission to destroy me. She did everything within her power to sabotage every piece of success and joy that came to my life.  She failed at some and succeed at the others, but eventually i found my way out and one last time stood up to her and walked away. She still consider herself a victim, this time her childhood traumas.

  Honestly i do not care anymore, for to me she is just an emotionally immature child, who has lost her escape goat so she cant even project her anger and guilt at her. And now she is lost, and even her being a victim of misunderstanding by her own daughter campaign if falling flat. It is a scary prospect for her, for she has to live with herself for the rest of her living life and she has no idea how to do it. 

   And the question remains, how did i do it all? How did I know that I deserve more and I deserve better? who taught me that? who guided me? 

I guess we will never know the answer, but if past is any indication, I will pull through this rough patch that I am in right now, just fine and I will be guided home once again...

Random list

1-At the end of the day , it is all about creating something 

2- I might be a love addict , in search of a high 

3- I have realized that most adults do not really have close friends , especially the married ones 

4- I am at the trough of my happiness

5- Too comfortable to change anything in my life 

6- god i am over my musculine energy overpowering every aspect of my life 

7- self limiting beliefs , how do I get rid of them

8- I am not a dark person anymore , it’s more sunny with a side of meatballs 

9- Maybe quiet quitting my job isn’t the worst thing in the world 

10- I stopped writing a year into knowing him , maybe finally letting go of him is the reason that I am back to writing ! 

11- Write with no agenda 

12- The list master is back in town

13 -Not everything in life needs to be deep, dark and meaningful… sometimes things are just silly 

14- I would like to have more sex 

15- Writing makes me more honest with myself 

16- There is a reason that sometimes two people just can not get their relationship right ( not necessarily romantic,) because they are not meant to be in each other's lives

17- He said, the pain you are feeling because of your transformation, was already in you and is not making its way out of you 

18- This whole blogging works, when I have my back against the wall and I am really lonely. In a way writing is how I communicate my feelings with the world when I have no other means.

19- I am stuck in reverse.

20 -This too shall pass.

21- Oh God I am back at my list making magic :)

The way we were

I was this girl who was lonely ,  very lonely and sad . But there was a force in me , a fire an spunk that pushed me through life . I was sad but somehow full of dreams and desires. I was yearning deep down to make something out of myself. I loved the movies , theater , the books . I spent hours in the library all by myself . I read a lot of plays , a lot of poetry , and I wrote with no agenda . Writing was my super power , I literally wrote my way out of loneliness and found love through it . There was a magic behind bareing my heart in front of the whole world . 

 And then life happened , career happened,mortgage happened and retirement accounts 4 of them to be exact . 

 Even grief made its own appearance, it came and stayed for a while. So to make me grieve for the parts of me that never got a chance to live ..

 Birthdays came and left , New Years and new people . They all came and left … I got to live out a lot of life that i missed out on in my 20s .. 

And then came late 30s , with a lot of goals achieved and a lot of life lived .