I made this list in a Taco Bell drive through, well the firs part of it..

1-It was such a long time ago , that it was almost a lifetime ago … time to totally let go of the past , the sadness , the trauma and the baggage 

2- i am going to write a book of random lists 

3- i am PMSing 

4- I got a feeling that our new employee was a bit off the first time that I met her , she proved me right today 

5- all our relationships are a business arrangement in its essence and has its own terms 

6- Last night was the first time that I actually enjoyed Halloween, I did not go anywhere neither did I dress up. I just walked around the neighberhood and had fun with decoration and then watched a spoof of spooky movies.. I did not even had trick or treaters.. but nevertheless I basked in the spirit of Halloween

7- PMS literally sucks the life out of you ..

 8- I am off to make some oatmeal for tomorrow 

9- I am almost done with making my oatmeal

10- I also made some green tea for myself which I am going to eat with digestive biscuits 

11- Spell check is my best friend in life, correcting me as we go

12- I am done with making my oatmeal... 

13-  Life is so random

14- Taco Bell is my guilty pleasure, once I drove over 30 minutes for a Nacho Bell Grande..

15- Taco Bell is where I go when I want to emotional Eat

16- I hate restuarant fancy Nachos, I love crappy movie theater and ball park Nachos..

17- When I go to Ball parks ( on the very rare occasion that I go,) I spend all my time in the line to buy Nachos. I hate watching sports, it is pretty stupid to watch people do their thing. Do you watch teachers teach ? or like dentists fill their patients ? See then why do we watch people play ball?

18 - I still like to make a living out of writing/making random lists in the random places..

19- I am a much happier person and inspired person when I write,..

20 - why did i stop writing for 8 years?

21- I am going back to basic...

22- I am in rush to go to nowhere...

23-  I am just not depressed anymore, it creeps up on me once in a while , but I just know how to cope and snap out of it I guess...

24- Life is spooky

25- I like traditions...

26-I think I am saving and investing too much money, but I still can not help myself.. I just Can not

Coffee time

I am in a bizarre stage of my life , it seems pretty lonely . But somehow I don’t mind it much . Friends are slipping through my fingers and my social life is close to zero . I have basically cut myself off of my family too , almost all of them . 

 Today I wrote down everything of everyone that I wanted to get rid of in my life , and set in on fire in my backyard . It felt so good, as if I had detoxed my body and released all the toxins . I used to do it  during the full moon , but this time we are closer to a new moon and a solar eclipse . It was last week …

It’s a weird life stage, I spend a lot of time alone . But I have been getting out too , trying new things. 

I even went back to the movie theater after 7 years. I have become such a practical adult that I have lost all the sense of whimsy and wonder in my life.

  It’s a weird stage , I really don’t know where I am going next . And lately I have realized that all that I am concerned about is having a good time in the now moment. 

I try to not buy anything unless I truly need it. 

I think a lot about all the abuse that I suffered in the hand of my family and it’s pretty triggering . But it seems like I am onto something. All the emotions that have been stuck in my body are coming out. 

I am not that angry at my mother anymore, it’s more like indifference . She is an emotionally immature human being, probably stuck at the age of 4 . Mentally sick and not willing to grow , forever the perfect mother and human being and forever tge victim . I barely talk to her , and even when I do I make it clear that I am not all that enthusiastic. 

  She still tries to gossip and triangulate , but I just don’t pay attention . I plan to stop having her in my life after my father dies , that is if dies first. If he doesn’t , then I guess it’s easier . 

 I did update my linked in profile too , after probably 8 years. I almost clicked the button that says I am open to new job offers , but then I stopped .The problem isn’t exactly my current job , heck I want the pension and I only have like 8 and 1/2 years to go . It’s my misery at this place , I don’t really care much for my colleagues and tge job has become uninspiring . 

I have decided to stay and focus on my personal life outside the work . Take as much time off as I need to and want to and just enjoy the life and see what else is there out in the world for me . I guess I want to discover myself beyond my education / career / job/ responsibilities. 

  I remember being so lonely and going to downtown San Jose to movies , the camera 1 cinema the independent movies … 2000s were the bomb . It were 7 lonely years with constant abuse and trauma bonding inflicted upon me by my mother and perpetuated by my brother and sisters and dad was nowhere to be found . And it was always me who made out to be the problem , I donno if I ever need to forgive my mother who to this day see nothing wrong with her actions . 

My body is full of triggers and it has kept score 

 My family of origin was nothing but an abusive cult, and i was the scapegoated child who got blamed for everything and still gets the blame. Even after walking away from them physically and  literally cutting out all my ties. I was physically, mentally, psychologically and even sexually abused and nobody even bat and eye and everybody joined in or stayed silent while they went about their lives telling me to be grateful for everything that I had.

 I was always told that I was in the wrong and they were the truth tellers. The worse abuser was my mother and still pretends that she is the victim in all of this. The next in line is my older sister and my brother has always been a willing participant. He had so much guilt that he accused me of being a horrible person and swore me off from his life not ever wanting to do anything with me. It is obvious, he just cant handle his own truth and does not want to admit how abusive he has been to me all along only to appease our mother and older sister. 

  Our father and younger sister just passively watched and at times tried to put out the fire while they exactly knew what has happened and now want me to forget and move on. The joke is on them , I have moved on completely and the only way for me to heal is to move out of the toxic space. 

 In a way they are all part of a system a very toxic one, and they will all stay there until it all implodes because the scapegoat is gone and there is nobody to project their anger, guilt and shame upon. And now they have to deal with their own demons and that is too much for them to handle. 

  What I am left with is hyper vigilance, the anger , the disorganized attachment the complex PTSD , the abandonment issue, and the aloofness. It is a big mountain to climb and an uphill battle to fight, but it is either that or going back to the toxicity and drama and being pushed to either an early death by "natural causes," like my poor uncle or aunt or suicide like my beloved friend who I still ache and hurt by his departure, even though I feel his loving presence and protection in my daily life. It is as if I am fighting this battle for all those people before me who succumbed to death, because their soul just could not handle all this pain and trauma. I have come this far and I am not going to look back or take a step backward, it is a matter of life and death for me and I am going to fight for my life to my last breath. 

 Darkness will end, even the longest night of the year will finally succumbed to daylight as we learn in the winter solstice.  Know that you are loved beyond measure and you are always protected from the force of evil. Your purpose of life is to live your life to the fullest, and your best days are ahead of you. 

Your mother and the rest of the family will eventually implode and pay a price for all the evil that they have done to you . The price was to lose you to daylight , they can not handle it for it will make them blind and will make their hearts bleed. They are the agents of darkness and when they no longer can serve their master, they will be abandoned and let go and be on their own. And that will be the death of them, and let me tell you death is just the beginning of their troubles, for they have to repent their sins from here to the eternity.  

There is no need for revenge since living in your own truth and your best life is the revenge .  Remember anytime you succeeded in life how your success knocked the wind out of your mother. She was literally throwing up in the bathroom, suffering from migraine headache when you bought your own home.  Your sister kept telling you how she could not do it by herself and you are just different. 

 Remember that time in the vacation when you showed up all fit and trim and happy by yourself, from another stint in language immersion your sister got so angry at you that tried to ostracize you and pushed you to the point of getting angry and the blamed you for all that she had done. 

 They are all gone from your life and have to deal with their own miserable lives,,, oh sweet smell of success...  All that you have been through in life, and you are still standing and thriving...

It was you all along

He finally said it last night , after all this time .. I literally begged him to say it , but he never  seemed to be able to do it . And he said it over and over last night . Right when I let it go , when I geniunely did not care anymore . 

And he said : That was the lesson , the moment that you let it go and don’t care it all comes to you. 

This morning I was grumpy and dreaded coming to work . All he said was : what can I do for you ? And it felt so good

I told him , I want this to be real and my real life outside of here becomes unreal . I want a change of realities … 

Letting it all go…

Part of me knows that it’s finally time to let him go . But then maybe there is that part of me that wants to hold on to something that brings me joy in life , something that puts the smile on my face , something that finally makes me feel safe and secure..

Last night he gave a speech , as if we were having a big white wedding . Something that he wants , to show me off to the world . Unlike me who wants a very small affair in the middle of nowhere with just the two of us . 

 I want to hold on to him , at least for now . In the midst of all these unhappiness and chaos , and disappointment this is one thing that makes me feel good about myself and my life …

 The love that I have for him,  it’s so pure and unconditional. Even though he intentionally hurt me last year around this time and I left him and never really took him back …

It all sounds confusing maybe because it is .. 

 But he was the first person who came to my life and never wanted anything from me . He just wanted me to be happy , and thrive . I fell for him head over hills , because it was the first time that I saw love in action . 

 And he kept pushing me away and then chasing after me … or maybe it was me , not being able to let go ..

Who knows 

Down town Walnut Creek random list

1- I am just sitting here , with nothing to do and nowhere specific to go . For the next two days I have no plans to keep myself occupied and it’s freaking scary 

2- I had hot dog wrapped pretzel and it wasn’t all that bad 

3- I am stuck in between two worlds , it’s surreal 

4- i like to go out more , i even picked an outfit for an imaginary party 

5- The truth is that I am not as sad and lonely as I used to be 

6- i passed by a cute guy , working on his laptop . My lord he was so young

7- I am not dealing well with this  middle age thing , but this shall pass too 

8- I am in a weird space, I am just slowing down . Probably I am over this reality and would like to change it 

9- I am done with my family of origin and my colleagues , a really weird space to be 

10- that’s a wrap 

  I had a dream last night, I was in my hometown talking to an old neighbor of ours. Then I got in a car and he was in the car sitting in the front. At first we weren't paying much attention to each other, but somehow we started noticing each other and it was obvious that we were together. At one point we got out of the car and went to an appointment to look for a rental house. We went to couple of them and they were all unreasonable for us. Too expensive, ridiculous plan, bad location, things were just not working out for us. 

 We then got in the back of a cab, it was more of collective , something like an uber pool. He sat next to the window looking outside and I sat next to him holding him and kissing him. We were both looking outside and he told me he should have shaved, I told him it was fine. I then asked him if he thinks we can get a house? And he responded that yes we will, but did not sound so sure. I looked outside and then kissed him again and whispered to him : We can always go back , I meant to California.  He did not respond to me and then the dream ended. 

 Last night I told him that I knew that the past year we both were not happy in our relationship. That we have been holding on to the memories of the past, hoping for things to get better. And he did not say much, just the usual of he is going to hang around and I could always acknowledge his existence when it is convenient for me. Something that has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time. I told him that the thing with our relationship is just the logistics. We have this strong connection with each other and this never dying love, sometimes I feel like we are one person. But the problem is that we live in different planes of existence.  And now I want more, he made me want more, I want the whole thing. The relationship, the intimacy, the support, the physical presence, the home that we build together. I want to come home to someone, I want to spend my weekends exploring the backroads of Bay area with the person. I want to take him withe me as my date to the places that I get invited to. I want to build and continue traditions with him, I even want to have a family with him. I want to make him laugh, I want to make him his favorite meal , and I want to be his loyal wife. He always tells me that I have always been enough for him and have done more than I could imagine. That I have brought him back from the land of the dead, that I have seen him and heard him and stuck by him. But I still want more..

  I always yearned for him to come to my dreams and now he comes to them every so often and every time he becomes more real than the last time and knowing that this is as close that I can get to him physically is bitter sweet. 

 He always wanted me to open my heart and my hear is now wide open, and there is no stopping me..

  Last night his un-shaved stubble was orange-red, in real life he was an olive skinned guy with dark hair.But the red hair genes runs in their family, like many other secrets that they try to sweep under the rug and it always backfires. 

 In my dream he did seem set on staying put back home and not returning to California and I knew that we would need to return, or at least I needed to return. When I left our home town, I was done there was nothing for me there. But his story was different, he was sent away at a young age and had so much unfinished business, his spirit was broken into pieces in California and it always seemed like he was running away from it always ending back in our hometown. It seemed like our physical being was always running in opposite directions.  But our souls found a home in each other's embrace and was always drawn to each other....

  We shall wait and see who will give in at the end and follows the other person, or maybe we each pick our own path in life and follow our own calling.... Who knows?