I have this distinct memory form when I was probably around 5. I started going to a new preschool, it was nice and big and had a swimming pool and was very close to our house. So my dad could come pick me up sometimes and wait for me in the car while reading his paper.  And I really like the manager of the preschool, she was kind and nice and her own two kids were there too. I even made friends, as much as I could. I honestly do not have one bad memory from that preschool, but something strange happened in the middle of the year. 

 At the end of the day( it was half day, I would go home probably around 1 pm) When I would wait to be picked up in the front yard of the school. Which was really nice and next to the pool. If my mom was late ( which she was at times,) I would sit down and start crying non stop. People will come and try to talk to me and calm me down, sometimes even other parents. Honestly even back then I know that someone will come and pick me up, but I just could not help myself and will cry non stop until someone will come and pick me up.

  I also did that at home too, our house was a duplex. My grandparents and young aunts lived on the second floor until I was 7 years old. So they must have been living there still. So in the afternoons, before my mom comes back from work for a while ( around the same time that I cried in preschool) I would go sit on the stairs which had a view to the street, wait for my mom to come back from work and nonstop cry. Again everybody tried to calm me down and assure me that mom will come back, but I just could not stop myself even though deep down I know it was pretty stupid. It was as if my anxiety had a big hold on me.

  Now that I look back, the age of 5 was a significant time in my life. For one thing my older sister turned 7 and went to elementary school, so we were not in preschool together.  My said anytime we went to her school, I would just stand outside and look at her school with a sadness in my eyes, like i wanted to go there too. Also I was 4 years old when my brother was born, so all the attention from me was gone and all of a sudden I was the older sister. And then the age of 4 was the age when I was sexually abused by my two teenage cousins. I was a brave kid, I told my aunt and it stopped, but that was it. I carried that burden with me until I was 21 years old. And later on I found out my older sister was severely abused by them, and my mom through my aunt knew enough, but did nothing to stop them.

  Now that I look back it all makes sense, the anxiety, the fear the loss. I was just a kid looking for safety and security and nobody realized that. And my mother as always was every bit neglectful as she has always been. 

I actually did a meditation couple of weeks ago, the inner child meditation and I talked to that little girl crying and assured her that I am her mother now and I would never abandon her. For I love her and cherish her, and for the fact that I am her. She does not need to do anything for me to love her, she is just an amazing  and resilient little girl , who is going to grow up to defy all the odds and rule the world.
  She will fulfill every single one of her dreams, traveling around the world : check. Education, check, financial independence check, deep connections : check, strength : check, kindness: check.

  That little girl who was crying was asking for help, she wanted to be seen and heard and protected. She was abandoned by her parents and she needed them.

 But that little girl, now has a loving parent who would go to the end of the world with her and never ever abandon her. One day that little girl will get up, wipe her face and play in that yard because she knows she is safe and secure.