Coffee time

I am in a bizarre stage of my life , it seems pretty lonely . But somehow I don’t mind it much . Friends are slipping through my fingers and my social life is close to zero . I have basically cut myself off of my family too , almost all of them . 

 Today I wrote down everything of everyone that I wanted to get rid of in my life , and set in on fire in my backyard . It felt so good, as if I had detoxed my body and released all the toxins . I used to do it  during the full moon , but this time we are closer to a new moon and a solar eclipse . It was last week …

It’s a weird life stage, I spend a lot of time alone . But I have been getting out too , trying new things. 

I even went back to the movie theater after 7 years. I have become such a practical adult that I have lost all the sense of whimsy and wonder in my life.

  It’s a weird stage , I really don’t know where I am going next . And lately I have realized that all that I am concerned about is having a good time in the now moment. 

I try to not buy anything unless I truly need it. 

I think a lot about all the abuse that I suffered in the hand of my family and it’s pretty triggering . But it seems like I am onto something. All the emotions that have been stuck in my body are coming out. 

I am not that angry at my mother anymore, it’s more like indifference . She is an emotionally immature human being, probably stuck at the age of 4 . Mentally sick and not willing to grow , forever the perfect mother and human being and forever tge victim . I barely talk to her , and even when I do I make it clear that I am not all that enthusiastic. 

  She still tries to gossip and triangulate , but I just don’t pay attention . I plan to stop having her in my life after my father dies , that is if dies first. If he doesn’t , then I guess it’s easier . 

 I did update my linked in profile too , after probably 8 years. I almost clicked the button that says I am open to new job offers , but then I stopped .The problem isn’t exactly my current job , heck I want the pension and I only have like 8 and 1/2 years to go . It’s my misery at this place , I don’t really care much for my colleagues and tge job has become uninspiring . 

I have decided to stay and focus on my personal life outside the work . Take as much time off as I need to and want to and just enjoy the life and see what else is there out in the world for me . I guess I want to discover myself beyond my education / career / job/ responsibilities. 

  I remember being so lonely and going to downtown San Jose to movies , the camera 1 cinema the independent movies … 2000s were the bomb . It were 7 lonely years with constant abuse and trauma bonding inflicted upon me by my mother and perpetuated by my brother and sisters and dad was nowhere to be found . And it was always me who made out to be the problem , I donno if I ever need to forgive my mother who to this day see nothing wrong with her actions . 

My body is full of triggers and it has kept score