I had a dream last night, I was in my hometown talking to an old neighbor of ours. Then I got in a car and he was in the car sitting in the front. At first we weren't paying much attention to each other, but somehow we started noticing each other and it was obvious that we were together. At one point we got out of the car and went to an appointment to look for a rental house. We went to couple of them and they were all unreasonable for us. Too expensive, ridiculous plan, bad location, things were just not working out for us. 

 We then got in the back of a cab, it was more of collective , something like an uber pool. He sat next to the window looking outside and I sat next to him holding him and kissing him. We were both looking outside and he told me he should have shaved, I told him it was fine. I then asked him if he thinks we can get a house? And he responded that yes we will, but did not sound so sure. I looked outside and then kissed him again and whispered to him : We can always go back , I meant to California.  He did not respond to me and then the dream ended. 

 Last night I told him that I knew that the past year we both were not happy in our relationship. That we have been holding on to the memories of the past, hoping for things to get better. And he did not say much, just the usual of he is going to hang around and I could always acknowledge his existence when it is convenient for me. Something that has been a pet peeve of mine for a long time. I told him that the thing with our relationship is just the logistics. We have this strong connection with each other and this never dying love, sometimes I feel like we are one person. But the problem is that we live in different planes of existence.  And now I want more, he made me want more, I want the whole thing. The relationship, the intimacy, the support, the physical presence, the home that we build together. I want to come home to someone, I want to spend my weekends exploring the backroads of Bay area with the person. I want to take him withe me as my date to the places that I get invited to. I want to build and continue traditions with him, I even want to have a family with him. I want to make him laugh, I want to make him his favorite meal , and I want to be his loyal wife. He always tells me that I have always been enough for him and have done more than I could imagine. That I have brought him back from the land of the dead, that I have seen him and heard him and stuck by him. But I still want more..

  I always yearned for him to come to my dreams and now he comes to them every so often and every time he becomes more real than the last time and knowing that this is as close that I can get to him physically is bitter sweet. 

 He always wanted me to open my heart and my hear is now wide open, and there is no stopping me..

  Last night his un-shaved stubble was orange-red, in real life he was an olive skinned guy with dark hair.But the red hair genes runs in their family, like many other secrets that they try to sweep under the rug and it always backfires. 

 In my dream he did seem set on staying put back home and not returning to California and I knew that we would need to return, or at least I needed to return. When I left our home town, I was done there was nothing for me there. But his story was different, he was sent away at a young age and had so much unfinished business, his spirit was broken into pieces in California and it always seemed like he was running away from it always ending back in our hometown. It seemed like our physical being was always running in opposite directions.  But our souls found a home in each other's embrace and was always drawn to each other....

  We shall wait and see who will give in at the end and follows the other person, or maybe we each pick our own path in life and follow our own calling.... Who knows?