Reactive abuse

   This very phrase explains most of my anger issues. Nothing I ever did was right, I could never get it right with my mother and subsequently my siblings. I was the scapegaoted child, I had to be picked on constantly and nobody ever protected me from any sort of abuse. I was sexually abused by my cousins ( my mother's nephews) at the age of four and being the courageous person that I was I told my aunt. She told my mother, not the gory details but enough and my mother of course never did anything about it. The joke is on her, because turned out years later that at the same time my older sister, her golden child was also being abused by them and she told her nothing. If my mother stopped them and cut them out of our lives her favorite child would have been spared too.  

Over the years my mother was so mad at me, for being the truth teller and expose the secret and lies of her family of psychopaths that she abused me at every turn and for every reason.  She also trained my other siblings to either join the abuse or sit by idly and do nothing, because it was normalized. The amount of hatred that she carried in her heart for me is unbelievable. And all those years I was so trauma bonded to her that I turn into a codependent and all I wanted to do was to please my family so they finally love and accept me, what a joke.  

 All the abuse turned me into a angry and loud human being who could not trust anybody. After her abuses she usually had couple of nice days and then she was back to her usual old self.  And sometimes when i got angry and loud and reacted she would act like a victim and showed off my anger to the world as the proof that I was crazy, it was called reactive abuse. Ladies and gentlemen this is what a Narcissist looks like, a covert one. 

 Let me tell you what a Narcissist does to you, they still everything that is beautiful in your life. They take away your sense of security, your trust in others, your sense of self, your self- esteem. They make you have suicidal ideation.  And they turn you into this angry person who has no control over their emotions. 

  I am now mainly low contact with her, and she still goes around runs a smear campaign pretending that I am an ungrateful little bitch who is biting the hands that fed her. And guess what I just do not care anymore, I do not even bother to show her my anger. When I see her, I barely acknowledge her existence.  She is just a human being who will soon disappear from my life, when the time is right I will completely vanish from her radar.  For living your best life is truly the biggest revenge that you can get from the Narcissitic parent. 

 Imagine a person who has spent all your life, running a campaign against you. To bring you down to your knees, to steal the light from you, to make you doubt yourself and all your abilites. To take away your sense of self, and to make you doubt yourself. A person who has made you not to trust anybody, and not be able to form any secure attachments in your life. A person who has made you an angry person, full of rage. A person who suffers from depression and anxiety and is full of fear. 

 And then imagine, you rebelling against all this toxicity and drama and following your intuittion knowing that you  deseverve better, in fact you deserve the best. Imagine coming to your senses one day and realizing that all along you were on the side of the truth and the Narcisiiist was the one in the wrong. 

   Imagine finally standing in your power and take it back from the one person who betrayed you all your life, the very person who was supposed to love you and protect you. Imagine beating all the odds and not only survive, but thrive in life. 

 Imagine finally resolving your anger issues, finally honoring and understanding your anger and set it free and starting to live a joyful life. Imagine being able to form secure attachment with loving and kind people.  Imagine being full of trust and having healthy boundaries in place with great discernment.

Imagine looking in the mirror everyday and smile and tell yourself : I really love you, because you are simply amazing.  Imagine opening your heart to the world and offering up your beautiful smile to the people and animals and plants every second of every day. 

  Imagine realizing that you are worthy because you are alive and breathing.  Imagine being self aware and being able to reflect on your own behavior. Imagine loving yourself despite your flaws, imagine failing miserably at times. but then getting up dusting yourself and go on with a smile and a forgiving heart. Imagine being able to accept yourself for exactly who you are, while always striving to become a better version of yourself.  After all this why would you even want revenge on your narcissistic parent ? I know that at times you want her to feel the same pain that she inflicted upon you all these years, you want some accountability for all the beautiful things in life that you were robbed of. But do you even have time to plot all of that? Do you even want to spend another minute of your life with her? Or you just want to move on and live the amazing life that awaits you?  The best revenge is to leave her behind amongst her delusions with her golden children who complied with her and joined the abuse, for they all deserve each other.   You are now the creator of the life that you deserve, you are powerful, you are beautiful and they all miserably failed. The best revenge is to leave them all continue with their miserable existence while you grow more fabulous by the second.  Let them rot in their own man made hell, for they have brought it on themselves.  You on the other go on and create your own version of heaven on earth.  For we all reap what we sow. 

  I am here Mother, still standing and thriving. I still have my moments, I still have hours when I really get tired and do not want to go on. But then I have grown strong enough and kind enough to know that I deserve better and rebound rather quickly.  I still have moments when I want to call you and give you a piece of my mind, but then i realize it is a waste of time for you are emotionally dead and delusional. And honestly you are just not worth my time anymore, my time is too precious to be wasted on the likes of you. 

  I wish you healing, I know it is a huge feat and someone like you sees nothing wrong with themselves to ever want to change. The blame is always on someone else or some external circumstance, because according to you , you were always the perfect one.  

I am glad that I was told from a young age that I am imperfect and in the wrong unlike your other children, the silver lining was that it freed me to go and search to see what is wrong with me and how can i improve.  Turned out there is not much that is wrong with me, but there is always room to improve and there is always an opportunity to better myself so I can live a better life.  

   You did your best and it was awful and now your mask is falling off too, but who is keeping track.